Funny Valentine (ファニー・ヴァレンタイン, Fanī Varentain) is the main antagonist of the seventh part of the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure series, Steel Ball Run, as well as the sixth main antagonist of the series overall.
Funny Valentine is the 23rd President of the United States and the true mastermind behind the Steel Ball Run race. He watches the competition from behind the curtains and hopes to gather the Saint's Corpse as a means to further the United States' ambitions.
Throughout the narrative, Valentine adopts two main appearances, differing greatly in build. He is originally introduced as an old, stout, overweight man, but around the time he takes the rib cage of the Saint, gains a more fit, and muscular appearance.
After this, it is revealed that spanning his back, Valentine bears deep scars, in a pattern resembling that of the 21st-century flag of the United States.
He consistently wears long, light hair, curling at its ends into several thick, well-defined rings (perhaps as a reference to the white periwigs and hairstyles of the 18th century, as worn by several early United States Presidents).
He also normally dons a smooth, uniform outfit, including an overcoat close to the end of his torso. Under this he wears frilled garments and a pair of gloves with a net pattern on the upper half.
Valentine's foremost characteristic is his deep patriotism. Marked by the gruesome fate of his father, Valentine's goal is for the United States to stand over the rest of the world. To do so, he seeks the blessing of the Saint Corpse Parts, becoming ecstatic when the Corpse blesses him. Moreover, the President shows a great degree of determination toward this goal. First acting through his subordinates early on in Steel Ball Run, Valentine later takes a greater active part in seizing the Saint's Corpse himself, confronting his enemies personally if need be, and claiming that he has no problem putting his life on the line in order to fulfill his objectives. He notably manages to regain his composure even after facing the eternal torture that Tusk ACT 4 had inflicted upon him, dying many times, but always transferring his Stand to the next alternate Valentine. This is fueled by one of his expressed fears being to have someone petty or worse seizing the Corpse and taking away the happiness that he believes should go into the United States.
Despite this, Valentine is also callous about the lives of individual Americans, never hesitating to sacrifice his own subordinates in his quest for the Corpse and going as far as to kill them himself if he deems it necessary. An example of this is how he cruelly traps an innocent train engineer halfway through a mirror just to assure himself of one advantage. His patriotism also comes with some hypocritical egotism. Despite his declared goal of working for the interests of the country, he regularly declares that "his" goals are fulfilled, and after witnessing Love Train's ability, shouted that everything, including power and glory, was now "his" specifically. Notably, when he was infatuated with Lucy Steel, disguised as his wife, Valentine attempted to sexually assault her and declared that she would bear his child, saying that he wanted a dynasty to ensure the United States would remain at the top.
Valentine is a ruthless individual, having a might-makes-right attitude toward the world, constantly using the metaphor of "taking the napkin first" to signify his gain in power. He believes that power is founded on authority, and part of the reason he wants the Corpse is to obtain a spiritual authority on par with the Vatican. Convinced that not everyone's wishes can be fulfilled and one must always sacrifice something for the sake of another, Valentine chooses to put the United States' prerogatives above the interests of the rest of the world. Valentine respects ambition and ruthlessness and ultimately entrusts the Corpse to an alternate Diego Brando. On the other hand, he looks down on Steven Steel's less ambitious goals, calling his will superficial. Claiming that while his methods require the least sacrifices possible, they still liberally involve murder and generally violence, as well as manipulation of the people around him.
In and out of combat, Valentine shows a careful and observant side, regularly watching and thinking about the situation to best evaluate his strengths and vulnerabilities. He made great care to disguise his search behind the Steel Ball Run race to leave rival countries behind, but also closely watched the race, following the racers inside a train and having underlings stand to among within the participants, possibly recruiting them afterward, hence the abundance of enemies that Johnny and Gyro face throughout their journey. Valentine also understandably keeps tabs on the whereabouts of the Corpse parts, which after killing Axl RO, allows him to deduce that the infiltrator who broke into his residence was still near him. His observant nature makes him see through Diego Brando's disguise when the latter tries to approach him, and suspect Gyro's determination in their clash that something is amiss, fully grasping (with the help of a lucky wind gust) the danger the Spin poses to him and how it works. However, in his final confrontation with Johnny, Valentine decides to take his chances against the Spin, conceitedly allowing Johnny a last "futile" attempt at shooting him.
Valentine also demonstrates a generally dignified and composed attitude. He is a polite man, among others using the formal and neutral pronoun "Watashi" (わたし) for himself, and rarely losing his composure enough to insult someone. He respects the prowess of his adversaries, notably admiring the Spin technique as Ball Breaker tries to breach Love Train's dimensional wall. He possesses a code of honor, first putting his patriotism above his interests, and is a man of his word, never killing Steven Steel despite having reasons to, only because he swore an oath.
This is, however, contradicted, as Valentine will twist his own code in desperate situations, and isn't above lying to gain an advantage, notably feeding Johnny with false hopes and half-truths to persuade him into releasing him from Tusk ACT 4's ability. He also isn't above some petty moments such as slamming one of his men into another dimension to get rid of him, or stomping Steven Steel's wounds to make him suffer as frivolous revenge for him slightly thwarting his plans. During his earlier appearances, Valentine emoted much more, slightly losing his cool on several occasions and also privately calling Diego a "peasant" for having the gall to negotiate with his person on the same level.
Funny Valentine is generally polite but cold toward any individual. The only person he's admitted to having loved is his father, confessing to have been searching for him across multiple parallel worlds, although that claim is dubious. Despite his marriage with Scarlet and the two sharing a certain fondness for each other, Valentine only appeared to be a little disturbed by her death. Finally, Valentine keeps a professional distance from his subordinates at best, only caring that they fulfill his orders, whether they die or not.
Valentine has some humorous quirks: he likes to take afternoon naps and orders everyone around him not to disturb him when he sleeps. He also has the tendency to sometimes exclaim "dojyan!" (ta-dah), even when it juxtaposes the situation, notably saying it after sending one of his own men to another world to get rid of him.
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
- Main article: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Valentine's Stand, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (D4C), enables him to access any number of parallel worlds at any time; where, if desired, he may transfer his Stand to a counterpart of his, granting him pseudo-immortality. This requires him to get caught between two objects (for example, a flag and the ground or a sofa and the wall). This limits D4C's ability but not by much since he has gotten caught between water and the bottom of the ocean as a method of using his ability before.
D4C Love Train
- Main article: D4C Love Train
When Lucy develops Ticket to Ride, Valentine may utilize a protective wall of light emanating from her which deflects all misfortune, bolstering his defense further as he becomes effectively invincible. He names this complementary ability "D4C - Love Train".
Charisma: Valentine is an accomplished politician, and enjoyed a high enough popularity to become President. Valentine demonstrates his charisma when he's able to negotiate with Johnny Joestar and perform a great enough speech to convince the jockey that he has the moral high ground, all that with a short amount of time to prepare.
Instrumental Skills: According to his wife, he makes no sound when he walks, and he can even play the mandolin using his feet, simply by dancing on it. Aside from the mandolin, Valentine has displayed a talent in playing the violin. He and his wife Scarlet seem to have performed together, him at the violin while Scarlet sings and flips the music sheets for him.
Funny Valentine was born on September 20, 1847, to unnamed parents. When Funny was a child, his father went to war, and never came back. One day, a soldier named Captain Valentine came to Funny's house. Captain Valentine then told the story of Funny's father. Showing a handkerchief with a date sewn on it, Valentine told Funny how his father had been captured by the enemy and was subjected to torture because the enemy wanted to learn about his company. However, Funny's father never revealed anything, because of the handkerchief where Funny's birth date was sewn, reminding him that he was protecting his family and country. Captain Valentine retrieved this handkerchief and visited Funny to honor a friend and impart the importance of patriotism to the boy.
It is implied that Funny's mother remarried and that Captain Valentine became his stepfather, as Funny takes on "Valentine" as his surname.
Now a young man, Valentine joined the army. At some point, he was captured by the enemy and brutally tortured, leaving scars spanning his back (in a pattern resembling that of the flag of the United States). During an army exercise in the San Diego desert, Valentine's company perished as they entered a Devil's Palm. Unable to find their way, the entire company died, save Valentine who encountered the Heart, which fused to his chest. He managed to return to civilization. From his encounter with the Heart, Valentine realized that there must be other Corpse Parts forming a whole body and decided to seek them out, so that the US could benefit from them.
Valentine then started a political career. Thanks to his political prowess and popularity, Valentine became the 23rd President of the United States in 1889. At that time, Valentine met Steven Steel, who wanted to organize his Steel Ball Run. Interested, Valentine became a secret backer of the race and took over the race's organization so that it would come close to the hiding spots of the Corpse Part in the hopes that Stand users would stumble upon the Corpse Parts and collect them for Valentine. He also started to recruit other Stand users to act as his agents and assassins during the race.
Another account tells a different story about Valentine's first encounter with the Corpse Parts. While being a representative in the US Congress, Valentine discovered the map of Joseph of Arimathea. Valentine then participated in a Puritan search party traveling to the first cross on the map near San Diego without realizing the importance of the map and found the Heart. He was the lone survivor of his party and testified that his party was caught in quicksand, hence their deaths.
In addition, 15 years before the events of Steel Ball Run, Valentine met his future wife Scarlet. The two met when the latter was still a student. According to her, he was someone from her hometown. They met at a party and Valentine impressed Scarlet with his silent footsteps and by playing the mandolin with his feet. Later on, Funny and Scarlet married together.
Behind the Steel Ball Run
When the Steel Ball Run starts, Valentine keeps an eye on its progress.
At the beginning of the race, Valentine makes a train at his temporary headquarters. Here, he follows the Steel Ball Run, receiving reports from spies and other subordinates. He receives a message from Oyecomova who informs him that Gyro Zeppeli probably found a Devil's Palm. During a meeting with Steven Steel, Valentine informs the promoter of this and notes that Gyro will be disposed of. This shocked Steel who was unaware there would be bloodshed. He then shows Steel Joseph of Arimathea's map and orders him to make sure the race is a success. Lucy Steel inadvertently enters the wagon bringing coffee, but one of Valentine's assistants blocks her path. Lucy spills the coffee, but Pork Pie Hat Kid, who is positioned on the roof of the train, takes and drinks all of it before Valentine can be splashed. At the end of the second stage, Valentine sees that Pork Pie Hat Kid has failed and that Gyro Zeppeli is still alive. However, his men have retrieved Pork Pie Hat Kid's item and notably a piece of clothing one which the words "movere crus" were burned. Valentine shotguns a can of beer and uses the can to verify that the Corpse Part Pork Pie Hat Kid was in contact with is an arm. He thus deduces that it is Johnny Joestar who had the arm and shifts his focus to him. He orders his men to send in Dr. Ferdinand. Valentine suddenly feels he's being observed and checks outside the train, but sees no one. In truth, Lucy Steel has eavesdropped on his conversation and seen the Heart on his chest.
A Traitor in Kansas City
Valentine overtakes the racers and installs a new headquarter in Kansas City. Receiving reports of Johnny Joestar and Gyro Zeppeli going missing, Valentine questions why the balloons cannot follow these two, and his assistant argues that it is still difficult to follow someone with a balloon. Valentine then wonders if Steel is being uncooperative. However, he cannot dispose of him yet. Unbeknownst to him, he's being spied on by Lucy from the other side of the street. Valentine and Blackmore go to the roof where the aviary is kept and check on it to see if Ringo Roadagain's messenger pigeons have arrived. Blackmore guesses correctly that Ringo's pigeons must have recently arrived but that someone had broke into the cage. Valentine spots a feather coming out of under the cage and sees the pigeon flying away. Blackmore retrieves the pigeon but the capsule it carries is empty. Someone has stolen Ringo's Message. Unbeknownst to him, the thief is Lucy Steel who, fearing for Steven's safety, has decided to work against Valentine. Valentine's men scour the building but the thief escapes by a hair's breadth without being seen. However, Blackmore notices that the thief has used the phone. Although he follows the trail, Blackmore is eventually killed.
Deal With Diego Brando
By the time the top competitors cross the finish line of the 4th stage in Kansas City, Valentine only knows that Blackmore made a call 5 km from the city but that the line was suddenly cut. Although he knows Mountain Tim was involved, Valentine remains focused on the unknown traitor. Diego Brando calls for a meeting in an alley and Valentine sends one of his men to meet the jockey, observing from a nearby roof. Diego reveals that he knows about the Saint's Corpse but is ready to sell the Right Eye for the mayorship of Manhattan Island; he then reveals that he also knows about the existence of the traitor. Valentine is forced to accept the deal and reveals Sandman to Diego, as he made a similar deal to retrieve the Corpse Parts from Johnny and Gyro.
Gathering the Saint's Corpse Parts
Valentine then goes to a presidential residence in Chicago, where he's joined by his wife Scarlet. He also meets Wekapipo at one point and hires him, promising the exiled Neapolitan US citizenship, right of permanence residence, and a high-ranking position in the government for him and any potential family if he kills Johnny and Gyro. The survivor of the Eleven Men retrieves the Ears and Right Arm from Johnny and the next day, Diego informs his agent Mike O. that the traitor is probably a woman weighing 51 kg. Although no women were allowed in his government building in Kansas City and although the traitor isn't a Stand user, Valentine decides to have Mike O. investigate every woman related to the staff. Valentine permits the execution of the traitor on the spot.
Later, Valentine takes one of his afternoon naps but wakes up as Scarlet walks in. In truth, it is Lucy Steel, disguised as Scarlet thanks to Hot Pants' Cream Starter. Questioning "Scarlet" about her sudden appearance, Valentine is surprised when she pretends to want to play with his lips and sneakily makes him ingest a sleeping drug hidden in her nail. Valentine goes asleep and Lucy steals his Corpse Part. Nonetheless, the operation goes awry and Valentine wakes up surrounded by guards. Valentine realizes that his Corpse Parts have been stolen, but he thankfully retrieves the Right Arm and Spine. However, Hot Pants steals the Ears and Heart. For her part, "Scarlet" is safe. The real Scarlet has died and is disguised as Lucy.
During the seventh stage, Valentine is informed of Johnny and Gyro's movement toward Gettysburg. With all the Corpse Parts save the Head being accounted for, Valentine deems that it is time for him to act. Valentine goes to Gettysburg and shoots Axl RO, whom he'd sent earlier to attack the heroes, "saving" Johnny from him and thus committing no sin, allowing Valentine to avoid being attacked by Axl's Civil War. He is able to retrieve the nearly completed Saint's Corpse and leaves unimpeded. With only the Eyes and Head missing, Valentine plans to dispose of Diego Brando and also realizes that since neither Johnny nor Hot Pants had the Right Eye, that must mean the unknown traitor has it.
On December 28, 1890, at 2:45 PM, Valentine and Scarlet participate in a music session. He takes the occasion to confront his "wife", knowing that she is an impostor, and confesses that she is strangely charming. The Right Eye falls out of Lucy's pocket and rolls toward the Corpse's hiding spot in an adjacent room. Valentine notices her interest in the room and in return, she asks him the reason for his interest in the race to change the subject of the conversation. Valentine thus explains himself, his philosophy, and how obtaining the Corpse will allow America to stand atop the world.
Excited by his speech, Valentine tries to force himself on "Scarlet", who draws a knife and tries to stab him. Valentine grabs her wrist at first but Lucy surprises him by shedding her disguise. Valentine is shocked to see her and is stabbed in the throat. However, he goes to another dimension and another Valentine takes his place. When he returns, Lucy has disappeared and her boots are scattered in the corridor. However, Valentine uses Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap to examine a parallel world and sees that Lucy has tried to trick him and is hiding in the room where the Corpse is stored. Threatening to kill her loved ones if she commits suicide, Valentine breaks down the door, only to find that the Saint's Corpse has merged with Lucy and that she is the host of the Head as well.
Battle Against Diego Brando and Wekapipo
On December 28, 1890, at 4:05 PM, Valentine spots Diego trying to infiltrate Independence Hall and lures him outside. He and his agent D-I-S-C-O go to a park nearby to confront Diego, Wekapipo, Johnny, and Gyro. While D-I-S-C-O fights Gyro at 4:10 PM, Valentine shoots Johnny but Johnny escapes into the sewers before he can finish him off. He also makes three parallel worlds co-exist to make Diego and Wekapipo also shoot alternate iterations of Johnny, confusing the witnesses. Valentine then attacks Diego and Wekapipo. His abilities are still unknown to the two, allowing him to escape being pinned to a wall. He returns to the base world and while Wekapipo handicaps him, Valentine manages to leave with a flag and then drags Diego into a parallel world. Trapping him inside the flag, Valentine extracts the Left Eye. The two Diegos begin to disintegrate and Valentine leaves, but is shot in the throat by an alternate Johnny Diego who has led to their location. Shot from behind as he runs to a door, Valentine still escapes back to the base world with the Eye as he closes the door on himself, leaving his alternate self for dead.
After seeing Lucy for what she truly is, he holds her until the Corpse's power is at its fullest. He hires D-I-S-C-O to stall Gyro so he can kill Johnny himself. Using Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, he sends both Diego Brando and Wekapipo (both have since defected from Valentine's employ) to alternate dimensions to shoot Johnny and eliminate the three at once. He fights Wekapipo and Diego with the odds in his favor, then Diego uses Scary Monsters to guide Johnny to safety and shoot Valentine. However, Valentine uses his Stand to replace his dying body. Angered, Valentine still promises Lucy that he won't bring harm to Steven and then tears the message. Valentine also disposes of the coach driver that brought Lucy by slamming him into another world.
Valentine then joins a ship, the USS Blue Hawaii, and uses the Eyes to watch Lucy and talk to her from afar. Lucy doesn't recognize the voice and she and Steven are lured to his boat. Lucy tries to attack him with a tear blade but Valentine stops her. Creeping up on her, Valentine notices that she's torn a piece of her skirt and hidden it to tip his enemies. He reaches a trainyard and takes off on a train to go to New Jersey with Lucy. He also forces the train engineer to constantly make the train advance, trapping him halfway inside a mirror while killing an alternate self so that the train engineer must always hold the acceleration lever or die. Meanwhile, he's pursued by Diego, Hot Pants, Johnny, and Gyro.
Battle Against Diego Brando and Hot Pants
In the train, Ticket to Ride begins to take form and Valentine sees Diego and Hot Pants pursuing him. To slow them down, Valentine takes alternate iterations of Diego and Hot Pants from a parallel world and tosses them out of the train so that they disintegrate each other. On the train, Valentine observes Lucy's horrific transformation and realizes that he isn't a mere host but the Head itself. Suddenly, Diego leaps to attack. The jockey and Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap begin a close-quarters fight but Diego is faster and cuts Valentine. The jockey promises to gouge his organs out. Valentine tries to close a door on himself to flee but Hot Pants prevents him from closing the door. The President tries to jump between a sofa and the wall but Diego kicks the sofa out of the way and attacks. When Valentine tries to defend himself, Diego cuts both of his hands. Valentine then tries to hide in a curtain but Hot Pants' arm lifts it out of the way and Diego slashes his throat. Luckily, a jug of water spills on him, and the water allows Valentine to go to a parallel world and transfer his powers and memories to another body. Valentine returns to the base world via a drawer, knocking out Hot Pants and bringing two Valentines with him. Although it seems the three Valentines have the advantage, Hot Pants disguises Diego in the middle of the struggle, confusing the Presidents. In that moment of hesitation, two Valentines are killed by Diego. Valentine tries to flee through a window but Diego follows him and shoves the glass shards out of the way. When Diego drives his fist into the President's throat and cuts open his chest, it seems the jockey has secured his win. But then, a bit of Valentine's hair is caught under the wheels of the train. Using this opportunity, the nearly dead Valentine locks his legs around Diego and drags him under the train while he goes to another world and switches with another Valentine. Diego is cut in half and dies.
The Blessing of the Saint's Corpse
A New Power
Valentine returns to witness strange spatial phenomena occurring that merge Hot Pants with random objects and kill her. Seeing that there is a convergence of the world around Lucy, Valentine understands that a new ability from the Saint's Corpse is manifesting itself and discovers a "gap" in space, a flat pocket dimension delimited by a wall of light. Valentine then notices Johnny outside of the train. Johnny shoots four nails and the bullet holes pursue the President. He slams the holes between the pages of a journal, expecting to be able to make them disappear, but the holes persist in the base world and begin to destroy his arms. Valentine is hit twice more in the wrists but decides to put his hands in the gap. The damage is then transferred to a nearby farmer, who dies in Valentine's stead. Understanding the power of the Corpse, Valentine becomes ecstatic.
Valentine then completely enters the gap and pilots it toward Johnny. That way he can get out of the train to attack. Johnny's nails hit the wall of light and the "bad" is redirected to other countries where people die in Valentine's stead. Valentine pursues Johnny and has D4C take an arm out of the gap to karate chop him, but he is interrupted by a Steel Ball thrown by Gyro. Still, Valentine is invincible inside of the gap, and D4C swipes at Gyro, causing a scratch that becomes a heart wound. Valentine almost reaches Johnny but the jockey shoots the coupling of the train and detaches the locomotive. Valentine's wagon slows and Johnny and able to get out of range.
Surprisingly for Valentine, the two horseriders do not flee but prepare to charge the train. After reassuring Lucy that although she will die, a goddess will be born in her place, the President steps out of his train and hides in the gap again. Controlling the shape of the gap, Valentine hides under the train tracks to single out Johnny. He eventually catches up to the jockey and cuts off his hand. D4C slams Johnny to the ground. Gyro throws a Steel Ball but it has no effect. Suddenly, Valentine is distracted by a mouse and is pulled away before he can kill Johnny. It is Steven Steel, who has carried Lucy out of the train and begs Gyro to take her away. Valentine rushes to attack Gyro but he narrowly misses him. The Neapolitan can away with Lucy. Angered, Valentine slams Steven against the car but refrains from killing him, as he promised. He nonetheless stomps him to calm his frustration.
Battle Against Gyro Zeppeli
Valentine follows Gyro toward the Atlantic, still wondering why the two persist in challenging him. However, he knows that Gyro must have a trick up his sleeves. When the wind blows, Valentine realizes that he's missing his entire left ear and understands what the Spin can do. Gyro charges at him on his horse and Valentine roughly grasps Gyro's plan of attack. He uses the surrounding water to go to other dimensions and brings two other Valentines with him as a decoy. Moreover, he transfers D4C to a counterpart so that the one with the missing ear can also trick Gyro. However, the Neapolitan sees through the trick and strikes D4C with his Steel Ball. A new Stand, Ball Breaker, appears and breaks through the wall of light and ages his body considerably. However, Valentine is not killed. In a miraculous stroke of luck, Gyro's sphere crosses the wall of light midair before hitting D4C, causing an infinitesimal part of it to be scraped off and undoing the perfectly spherical shape of the projectile. Thus, Valentine was spared the full power of the ability. Before charging again, Gyro imparts his last Spin lesson to Johnny. When Gyro attacks again, Ball Breaker isn't even able to reach him and Valentine slashes Gyro's stomach, dealing a mortal wound. Gyro dies. To seal the deal, Valentine empties his revolver on Gyro's corpse.
Overwhelmed by grief and rage, Johnny charges at Valentine but forgets to produce the Super Spin. Johnny wastes nine nails as Valentine hides in the waves, only to reappear from the other side of Johnny's horse to slash its throat. Johnny is unhorsed. Sure of his victory, Valentine approaches Johnny and deems him to be the final sacrifice. As Johnny has one nail left, the President dares him to fire it. However, Johnny finally understands Gyro's last lesson. Using Gyro's Steel Ball, Johnny throws it at Slow Dancer's leg, causing a kick reflex and sending Johnny flying. Furthermore, it means Johnny has also absorbed the energy of the Spin from the horse and unlocks Tusk ACT4. Johnny then fires his pinky nail.
Battle Against Johnny Joestar
Seeing Tusk ACT 4, Valentine understands his mistake and desperately recalls D4C inside of the light. However, when the nail collides with the wall, Tusk opens the wall and enters the gap in space to pummel D4C and Valentine to the ground so hard it creates a hole. Valentine flees by using his coat but finds himself buried alive since he hopped to a parallel world from under the ground level. He still manages to transfer D4C to another Valentine who immediately heads out to kill Johnny. Suddenly, Valentine sees his foot turned the wrong way and realizes that his body is being hit by an infinite Spin, so powerful that every atom in his body is spinning and forcing him to return to the hole in the ground. Suffocating, Valentine tries to hop into another world and go as quickly as possible into the base world, only to be pulled into the ground again and again. Even if he trains to take a coach away from the hole, the Spin forces him back. Valentine thus faces the possibility of being buried alive forever in the hole, which nearly breaks his spirit.
However, Valentine then remembers Captain Valentine's lesson about patriotism. Determined to kill Johnny, Valentine prepares his retaliation. First, he finds a Diego Brando from a Parallel World, to whom he reveals everything and asks to take the Saint's Corpse because he at least respects Diego's ambition. He thus hides Diego with him when he comes back to the base world and confronts Johnny alone. He also takes a Cream Starter from another Hot Pants.
Valentine attempts to negotiate with Johnny and offers to bring another Gyro Zeppeli so that Johnny can see his friend again, and guarantees that he won't pursue them anymore. In exchange, Johnny would shoot him with an infinite Spin in the reverse direction to cancel the effects of Tusk. Shocked, Johnny argues that it won't be the same Gyro, but Valentine dismisses the argument, stating that no matter what, "Gyro Zeppeli" will be alive in the base world. Valentine then explains himself and says that he wanted the Saint's Corpse for the United States' sake and to bring eternal blessing to his country as well as protect it from its enemies. Valentine states that it was his duty as a President to retrieve the Corpse and claims that his plan involved as little bloodshed as possible. Because of his duty, Valentine cannot die there on the coast. Johnny is shaken by Valentine's speech but demands more guarantees. Valentine thus gives Cream Starter to Johnny so that he can heal his companions. Finally, Valentine shows that he is a man of his word by showing his father's handkerchief, explaining his story, and swearing on his father's handkerchief that he will not take revenge.
Johnny believes Valentine but tosses Valentine's old discarded revolver (which he shot Gyro's corpse with) at him and asks the President to pick it up, just to be sure. However, Valentine is hiding the same revolver behind him. Valentine draws his gun and sends D4C to attack Johnny; he hits Johnny in the guts. However, Johnny shoots him in the throat. Not dead yet, Valentine fires again but misses the vitals while Johnny hits Valentine in the chest. Johnny shoots a final bullet right into Valentine's forehead. The President dies, and his corpse is dragged underground by the Infinite Spin, never to be seen again.
After Steel Ball Run, it is mentioned that despite Valentine's disappearance from the public eye at the end of the race, he attained approval ratings as high as 91%. Ironically, the heads of state of every nation sent distinctions to him.
- “Suppose that… you were sitting down at a table. The napkins are in front of you. Which napkin would you take? The one on your left or the one on your right? 'The left' is correct. But, in a larger sense of society, that is wrong. Perhaps I could even substitute society with the universe. The correct answer is that “it is determined by the one who takes his or her own napkin first. Yes? If the first one takes the napkin to their right, then there’s no choice but for the others to also take the napkin on their right. The same goes for the left. Everyone else will take the napkin to their left, because they have no other option.
This is society… who are the ones who determine the price of land first? There must have been someone determined the value of money, first. The size of the rails on a train track? The magnitude of electricity? Laws and regulation? Who was the first one to determine those things? Did we all do it, because this is a republic? Or was it arbitrary? No! The one who took the napkin first determined all of these things! The rules of this world are determined by the same principle as “right or left?”! In a society like this table, a state of equilibrium, once one makes the first move, everyone must follow! In every era… this world has been operating by this napkin principle.And the one who takes the napkin first must be someone respected by all. It’s not that anyone can fulfil this role… those that are despotic or unworthy will be scorned. And those are the losers. In the case of this table… the eldest or the master of the party will take the napkin first… because everyone respects those individuals. For example, if Jesus-Christ were sitting at this table… no matter who you are, even if you are the Pope, you would have no choice but to take your napkin after Jesus-Christ, yes ?”
- “Soon, I will obtain that power… that object that all will pay their respects to. Something irrefutable. Something immovable. That is true power. And those under this power’s influence can only be allies. I will become the one that can take the napkin first. I, Funny Valentine, will be the one sitting at that table.”
- “The wounds on my hands were… sent away. She’s a goddess… Lucy Steel… This Lucy that the Corpse chose is… truly… my goddess existing in this reality. Where there are places the sun’s light hits, there must also be shadows… where there is happiness, on the other side, there must be those who have misfortune… From God’s perspective happiness and misfortune balance out to zero! Then stable peace! Far more feasible than people firmly shaking hands as equal is one absolutely superior person governing over them. That is the reality of the world of man!!”
- “Are you trying to be a hero? Or act as that girl’s father? Give up, a paper-thin will such as your is meaningless. You are a hindrance to the future happiness of this country. Just now, a goddess was being born… this human world’s peace and happiness will not be abated by the likes of conceited fools holding each others’ hands as equals. A strong country begins with taking the napkin. And for that end, the goddess is necessary… That Corpse’s power is necessary for peace… and you are hindering that.”
- “In terms of the course of war…. It comes down to one move. For one to misread one move means their defeat, doesn’t it…? Will that be you, Gyro…? It will, however, not be me… (戦局でいう所の・・・ ｢一手」だな・・・「一手」見誤った者の敗北という事か・・・・・？ジャイロおまえのほうか・・・わたしの方ではないがな・・・Senkyoku de iu tokoro no... "itte" da na. "itte" mi ayamatta-sha no haiboku to iu koto ka. Jairo omae no hō ka? Watashi no hōde wa naiga na…)”
- “What will happen now is a sacrifice… you! Johnny Joestar… The trial will... end with the spilling of blood… (これがら行われるのは「生贄」だ・・・おまえ！ジョニイ・ジョースター・・・試煉は・・・流される血で終わる・・・・・・Korega-ra okonawa reru no wa 'ikenie' da... Omae! Jonī Jōsutā... Shiren wa... Nagasareru chi de owaru......)”
- “I have 'feelings' of 'patriotism'. Every action I have performed was because I judged it to be 'absolutely' for this country's sake. (わたしには『愛国心』がある・・・全てはこの国のために絶対』と判断したから行動した事・・・Watashi ni wa 'aikokushin' ga aru… subete wa kono kuni no tame ni 'zettai' to handan shitakara kōdō shita koto…)”
- “As President, it is my sworn 'duty'! In this world, to 'guarantee the safety' of the people of my country. That is what it all comes down to! (わたしの大統領としての絶他的『使命』は！この世界のこの我が国民の『安全を保障する』という事！それひとつに尽きるからだ！Watashi no daitōryō to shite no zehhoka-teki 'shimei' wa! Kono sekai no kono waga kokumin no 'anzen o hoshō suru' to iu koto! Sore hitotsu ni tsukiru karada!)”
- “"I wanted to uncover the secret to America's prosperity. And I wanted to protect that secret. And if I'm totally honest I sort of wanted to be that secret. But I've learned my lesson. What makes America great is the people who live in it, not anyone lying underground or in the heavens above. And that lesson will be my treasure."”
Creation and Development
When Araki first designed Funny Valentine, he envisioned him as easy-going, but actually really strong antagonist, which is why he drew him as short and chubby in his initial appearance. However, as the part progressed, he changed his mind and wanted a better in shape president who takes matters into his own hands, which was inspired by the movie Independence Day. Because of this, Araki made Valentine's appearance more tall, muscular, and manly. When asked about Valentine's change in appearance, Araki joked that Valentine went exercising. He then explained that it was simply a design change.
Funny Valentine is a secondary character in the light novel JORGE JOESTAR. A version of him exists in an unknown universe, in between the 2nd and 37th universes. In the novel, the original Funny Valentine from Steel Ball Run lives in the second universe. Like his original counterpart, this Funny wields Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap as his Stand. At some point, Funny meets Dio Brando and becomes his minion.
When Jorge Joestar's group arrives at London, Funny greets Enrico Pucci. Funny reveals that Manhattan Island is the final 'Rhinoceros Beetle'. Funny gives Pucci hints about the 37fourteen words, and with his help, Pucci assumes that the two 'Singularities' are his connection with himself. Pucci knows Funny Valentine well in his own universe, but not this version of Funny from another universe, thus creating a 'Spiral Staircase'. Finally, Funny introduces them to the 'Secret Emperor', Dio.
Before Dio starts fighting Kars, Funny takes off Dio's cape and then flings it around Jorge. Before it could cover him, Lisa Lisa punches Funny's cheek with the Ripple. However, the cape falls onto Jorge anyways and he is teleported to a parallel world along with Funny. Funny's face is momentarily swollen but Jorge notices that he quickly recovers as he swaps himself with a parallel world version.
In the middle of a red desert, Jorge sees a car headed toward him with another 'Funny Valentine' driving it. After getting an explanation of Funny's Stand, Jorge sees many cars racing across the desert. The 'Funny' that was in the car tells Jorge that it's the second stage of the Steel Ball Run, taking place in Monument Valley. He's ordered his men to retrieve nine volumes of the Holy Scriptures. Jorge mentions that one of his ancestors was in the Steel Ball Run, but it was a horse race. 'Funny' responds that the race can change in each world, as some worlds have races with planes and blimps instead.
Jorge finally understands the meaning of the 'Spiral Staircase'. As the universe loops, lives would be reincarnated but their identities wouldn't be the same. Pucci's Made in Heaven was used to reach the next universe, attempting to connect history and create a loop, but instead what he created is a spiral staircase of different universes. 'Funny' mentions that Dio decided to punish Pucci for this sin, and thus he can no longer return to any universe due to Gold Experience Requiem. He changes the subject to mention that in Jorge's universe, the competitors of the race gathered nine Holy Grails, and Johnny Joestar played a major role but had to drop out along the way.
Not caring about the race, Jorge asks why he was brought to this world. 'Funny' reveals that the two 'Singularities' are the body of the holy man and Jorge Joestar. Jorge questions whether he should trust what 'Funny' is saying, but 'Funny' tells him to just have faith in himself. He opens the car, lets Jorge get in, and then the other Funny starts driving them away. Jorge sees a massive cloud headed toward them from behind, which Funny reveals is Kars from this parallel world. In order to conquer Kars, Funny had fought Kars numerous times in different parallel worlds, trying to find a way to seal Kars or send him away. Kars easily tosses this world's 'Funny' aside while the other Funny starts driving faster. Their car crashes and half of Funny's head gets torn off.
Back in the original world at Piccadilly Circus in London, Jorge sees that Funny is somehow still alive. At Dio's cue, Funny runs toward the place where The Funniest Valentine is about to land and then claps his hands as The Funniest falls into his arms. The Funniest vanishes and then Funny leaps toward Kars. With assistance from Dio's The World positioning Funny in place, Funny claps his hands on the Pillar Man. However, as time resumes, Kars quickly contorts his body to avoid the clap. Dio continues trying to stop time as Funny attempts to trap Kars between his palms but Kars would rapidly contort his body as soon as time resumes. In the moment that Kars smirks stating that he has figured out Dio's Stand, Funny finally succeeds in teleporting him to a parallel world. Jorge notices The Funniest's hands sticking out of Funny's hands to extend his reach, revealing that The Funniest has the same Stand as Funny, D4C.
Jorge finds himself in Manhattan Island in The Funniest's parallel world. He meets with Funny, learning that the Funny in Piccadilly Circus was a fake parallel world version and the actual one that Jorge met with Dio was waiting here for Jorge. Funny notes that since Jorge is a singularity, he is the key to defeating Dio's Stand The Passion which could see the future, and that Kars has realized this. Funny then teleports Jorge to a parallel Morioh, where Kars is.
Traveling back in time one hour due to Bites the Dust, Jorge and Kars arrive at Piccadilly Circus again with Funny about to teleport Kars again, but this time Jorge knows what would happen. Jorge yells out to Kars that Funny will clap twice, allowing Kars to instantly react to both claps. Kars sends Funny flying away with a punch but Dio unleashes the next part of his plan. Funny finds a parallel version of Dio and nine parallel versions of The Funniests who could use D4C and brings them back with him, whereas The Funniest brings nine parallel versions of Funny with D4C from his world. The parallel Dio grabs Kars from behind him, as the group of eighteen parallel Valentines surround Kars. 36 hands clap down on Kars and he vanishes once more along with the other Dio. Meanwhile, the group of Funnys collides with the group of The Funniests and they disintegrate into Menger sponges.
As Dio starts speeding up time, Funny and The Funniest discover that Dio is headed for the past beyond the future. They reveal that the Valentines have two duties as leaders of the United States. Their first is to intervene in the Steel Ball Run race and their second is to protect the secret held underground at Trinity Church, the Saint's Corpse. The corpse was gathered by their ancestor, the original Funny Valentine from the 2nd universe during the first Steel Ball Run. They realize now that the corpse of the "holy man" was actually just the body parts of Dio, separated from his fight with Kars. Funny calls his wife Scarlet who verifies that the Trinity Church in their universe does not have the Saint's Corpse.
They arrive at Trinity Church in the second universe, where Funny leads them to the secret underground facility. Funny assists Jorge in the battle against Dio, residing in a parallel world within Jorge's stomach. From there, Funny sends out seven parallel world Kars, each having their own The World Ultimate. He gives Jorge a hatchet to cut off the supplemental head on the Saint's Corpse. When the battle is over, Funny goes back to his own universe. He states that he has learned his lesson and America will truly prosper due to its people, rather than from collecting artifacts.
An incarnation of Funny Valentine also lives in the 37th universe. This Funny Valentine is over eighty years old in 2012, with a son named Funnier Valentine and a grandson named The Funniest Valentine. Five people had been the president of the United States after him, as well as his grandson who is the current president. Despite being old, he still looks to be in good health. However, Koji Hirose reveals that he wears a wig and hides his wrinkles with Botox and plastic surgery.
The 37th universe's Funny wields a Stand named Singing in the Rain, a frog-like Stand that can be ridden and adhere itself onto surfaces to bring its rider anywhere in spite of difficult circumstances.
When Morioh becomes a separate island and suddenly starts sailing toward America, the elderly Funny arrives on a helicopter with a message from his grandson's American army. He nearly loses his balance from his helicopter due to the wind, and slides on top of Morioh's barrier. Funny gives Koji a message intended for Morioh's mayor, stating that if nothing changes then the American army will flip the island.
Jorge and the others notice that Funny has trouble getting back onto his helicopter, but figure he'll be fine since they see that he has a Stand.
The American Air Force starts dropping missiles to break through the barrier surrounding Great Britain, inside the stomach of the giant Antonio. Jorge sees the elderly Funny walking across the surface of the barrier with Singing in the Rain. He shows them a large piece of paper with only the word "COURAGE" written on it.
When Dio uses Made in Heaven Ultimate Requiem, the elderly Funny Valentine had been clinging so closely to the giant Antonio's stomach with his Stand that he exposed his flesh to 36 deaths and births of the universe. Jorge wonders what that would have felt like. In the end, The Funniest returns to America with his helicopter, presumably taking his grandfather with him.
- In the story of Steel Ball Run, Funny Valentine became the 23rd President of the United States, while historically, the position was held by Benjamin Harrison, who served from 1889 to 1893.
- The scene during which Funny receives his dead father's handkerchief appears to reference the 1994 film Pulp Fiction. In the film, a young Butch and his mother are visited by Vietnam veteran Captain Koons, who fought with Butch's father. Butch's father was captured and held in a POW camp and did everything in his power to hide a gold watch (a family heirloom and symbol of patriotism) from his captors until he died of dysentery.
- In the English localization of All-Star Battle, if Valentine is matched against himself, during the introductory dialogue, the first Valentine will provoke saying "Get ready for amber waves of pain!", while the second Valentine will say "Hello me. Meet the REAL me." (the latter being a lyric from the song Sweating Bullets by the band Megadeth)